The Liebster….continued

leibster-blog-award

As per Liebster…11 Random Things About Me

1. My two oldest boys are born on the same day three years apart. My husband says he should have bought a lottery ticket that day.

2. I have at least two books in me to write.

3. My third child was a bit of a surprise.

4. I’m going to get a bunny rabbit soon. Been dreaming and researching for months.

5. I believe everyone on the planet could benefit greatly from a form of therapy called EMDR (look it up….seriously). I know I have.

6. I used to hate the color pink. Then I had all boys.

7. I believe big over-arching core values are expressed in small, everyday choices.

8. I wish I had a little more of an achiever in me.

9. I don’t like soda or coffee or alcohol. Or juice. Basically I’m a water girl. Not because I have some moral high horse to stand on, I just don’t like them. And I think that makes me kinda boring, but my friends seem to like me anyway.

10. My children currently cross the spectrum of preschool, elementary school, and middle school. Boo-rah!

11. I used to think I had parenting all figured out. Then I became one. For that matter I used to think I had life all figured out. Then I got one.

Questions posed for me on hiddinsight….and my answers

1. What are you getting for your spouse/significant other for Christmas?
Totally not exciting, the years have been lean lately…..khaki’s and a reversible belt.

2. Where is the kinkiest place you have ever had sex?
**blush**

3. What is your biggest regret?
Hmmm, don’t know that I have one. All my choices have lead me to where I am now. And some have provided rich life learning I apparently had to acquire through experiential learning.

4. What is something that you have done to keep the love alive in your marriage?
Work through my own issues (with the help of a therapist). The more whole I am the more capable I am of loving my husband.

5. What is your “fettish”?
Accessories (although not sure if that is what you mean by “fettish” 😉 )

6. Where is your favorite place to shop?
I am actually not a shopper (gasp!). It will be the thrift store once I learn the in’s and out’s of thrift store shopping.

7. What is the difference between living and existing for you?
Great question!!! Freedom to desire (and wisdom to find the desire underneath the desire if you get what I mean).

8. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
People are judging me? Danggit.

9. When you are 80 years old, what will matter to you the most?
Same thing that matters the most to me now….people.

10. What makes you smile?
Snuggle time!

11. If not now, when?
Ever since my third son came on the scene unannounced I have learned to roll with what life brings because it will likely be a whole lot better than what I had originally planned.

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10.11.12

I could cry. I could sit down as I write and weep with gratitude.

My marriage is far from idyllic. My husband and I are two flawed people. Each of us has a ton of issues on our own that we have acquired through the course of our lives. And fourteen years ago today we decided to bring our brokenness together. For life.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a link between being in love and being insane.

He married a cheerleader. I only wore the uniform for a year in jr. high and a year in high school, but it’s more who I am than what I wear. I encourage. I cheer.

But something happened after we got married. All of the sudden, my husband became an extension of me. I think it’s pretty common. And while I cheered everyone else on, I picked myself apart. I focused on my imperfections and criticized. So I started to do that to him, too.

I didn’t mean to. I was just working out my issues. And unfortunately he paid the price. I don’t think he could have put into words what was happening, but I know he (and our marriage) felt the effects.

But he was patient with me. He hung in there with me. He gave me time. He gave me space. He gave me love. It didn’t always look pretty, but that was in fact what happened. He stayed with me.

And a few years ago, when I really broke down, there wasn’t much he could do to help me. But he gave me understanding and compassion. He gave me time and resources and support to get myself the help I needed.

And I am so humbled to have chosen him fourteen years ago when I was insane with being in love.

Don’t get me wrong; he’s had his own demons to fight along the way, too. No one is perfect. Happily ever after doesn’t exist.

But to have been given the gift of commitment is immense. A gift of an imperfect marriage that has space and room and freedom for each of us to grow and change. Together.

I still remember my wedding day. It could not have been better. I stood there in my beautiful white dress next to my handsome knight in shining armor with people saying, “Congratulations!” And I also remember saying, “Today is the easy part. Congratulate us 50 years from now. Then we will have done something special.”

Fourteen is a far cry from fifty, but we are making our way there. We are growing. We are changing. We are learning how to be a team. We are doing the impossible job of raising a family together.

And I can sit down and weep. Because the hard and the pain and the joy and the imperfect come together with love and commitment to make something so incredibly beautiful that I stand back and shed tear after tear after tear of gratitude for this man and all he has given me.