thank you :)

leibster-blog-award

I am hiding.

That was the opening line of one of the most recent blog posts I started. I was in a whimsical, carefree mood but I knew he truth of those three words went far beyond what I meant at the time.

The truth is, I have been hiding. Sure, there is the valid business of being the mom of three boys. Of having my husband gone more this last semester. Of having my commitments stack on top of one another in a way I hadn’t anticipated.

But then there is the more real reason.

I’ve been avoiding a truth. I have a block. A writing block.

I know what it is. My voice is a signature issue in my life. There are emotions involved. Old patterns. A voice other than my own that likes to sneak into my head and make me question all of who I think I am. And shake me.

But with the new year and a new laptop I have received just enough encouragement to help me make a go of it anyway. Push through. Keep trying.

And I’m starting by tying up loose ends from last year. I went through Harley (old faithful laptop) and transferred all of my unfinished blog posts to Charlie (new hopeful laptop….and she’s pink). And top of the list is to address the thank you I was avoiding at the end of last year.

I don’t know why I find it so hard to receive a compliment. Maybe it’s because I am usually the compliment giver. So much so that in high school and college I coached most of my friends on how to graciously receive a compliment.

I suppose I got tired of that interesting moment when someone receives a compliment and doesn’t know how to respond. The awkward silence. The down-play. The self-deprecating come back.

So when I sense the other person is flattered, grateful, and awkwardly at a loss of what to say or do in return, I come back with my usual in an attempt to put the other person back at ease.

It’s okay…just smile and say thank you.”

Apparently I should have been listening to myself.

But today, in honor of facing that which I have been avoiding, I say thank you to hiddinsight.

The writer of this blog nominated me for a Leibster award. I have not entirely figured out these blogging awards, but they seem to be given by other bloggers to honor one another and connect us to each other.

I cannot tell you hiddinsight‘s name. All I know is that she is an incredibly honest soul who writes about the process of her marriage recovering from an affair she had. She is brave and beautiful. I highly encourage you to check out her blog. I am honored to be honored by her.

Thank you, hiddinsight. 🙂

Tune in again tomorrow to read my answers to hiddinsight’s 11 questions to her award nominees.

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my loves

I thought I would be swallowed up by the testosterone in our home. That I would cease to exist in the land of males I was immersed in. The day after I found out our third child was going to be another boy I was pissed. Toilets. Do I need to say more?

Fortunately I moved through my issues before that beautiful baby was born. And truthfully, sometimes I even like being the only female in the house. Don’t tell anyone.

So years later on this Valentine’s Day I find myself tickled that I have four great guys to love. I seem to be giddy to celebrate each one of them. What a lucky girl I am.

And I thought I would take a moment to honor them here. Call it bragging if you like. There are still plenty of other days I curse the toilet they pee in (or more accurately miss), just in case knowing that makes reading this more palatable.

Colby

Today the middle child gets to go first. When I look in your eyes I see the most beautiful soul I have ever beheld. Both innocence and mischief dance on your face in the best of all combinations. You are my mystery man, one that I marvel at in awe. You are so different than me, and yet you love me so well. Everyday you give me the gift of your love and grace.

Zachary

My baby I never planned on having. I didn’t know how much I needed you. Because of you, I get to have a second go-around with motherhood, and I think we are all better for it. I love that you now own your name, emphasizing the “ary” when others fail to do so. You who opened your eyes wide from the moment you came out of the womb are filled with wonder and expression. I know delight because I feel it every moment I am with you. I am enamored by you.

Joshua

Watching you come of age is the most touching and beautiful thing I have ever witnessed. You struggle in your tenacious way with the deep questions of life and I am blown away by the stirrings in your soul, honored that you share them with me. I taught you perfectionism (sorry!) but now I see we are learning grace together as well. Your company on this journey fills me and inspires me every day.

Phil

The biggest of all my men, you have my heart. You have shown me faithfulness in its purest form. You have loved me for better and for worse. When I was young, I dreamt more of a lifetime with someone – of growing old with my best friend – than the wedding day starting it off. You have been my dream come true. Like I sang to you on our wedding day, you are my knight in shining armor. Not because you heroically save me everyday (which you do) but because you valiantly love me everyday.

I have not lost myself in all of you, but you have discovered and uncovered and recovered the best in me. Thank you, my loves. Thank you.

Happy Valentine’s Day.