pieces

As I sat around the table, the people around me held out pieces of me. Pieces I had not seen in a while. And it felt so good.

Those pieces are always with me, living inside of me. Sometimes I just forget about them. I live disconnected from them.

My life has moved on from when we were together, these friends and I. Marriage, babies, therapy, life. And it’s good. Moving forward, growth, change. All of those things are good.

And at the same time, sometimes I can forget that the college student me is still in there too. Along with the mom me and the wife me and the almost 40 year old me (ugh, really?).

But I am fortunate enough to still have friends from way back when. We were all on staff at camp together. And camp bonds people in a mysterious way. I have yet to experience it elsewhere. It could be the dirt, the camp food, or any number of the only-appropriate-at-camp conversations surrounding bodily functions.

I think it is all those things plus a whole lot more.

There is a sacredness about it, about the fact that we hold pieces of one another’s history. These people know a side of me that my friends today have only caught glimpses of, if that.

For a while, a few years ago, I felt in between. My friends where I live didn’t know my history but my friends from my past didn’t know the richness of my present. And I had this weird, awkward urge to prove myself to all of them.

But something must have settled in me. Made peace with the fact that the only one who knows me my whole life is me. I am the only one who holds all the pieces.

And occasionally that can feel like too much to hold. Sometimes I forget about the pieces that aren’t necessary right now. But they are still in there. They are who I was which is a part of who I am.

And it was whole-making, to have these people who are dear to me stir some of those piece to the foreground. To the surface.

They had not forgotten those pieces. They loved them. They kept them safe. They saw beauty in them. They remembered them. And being together reminded me of them too.

And it was…..settling, calming, restoring…..for me to be reminded that all of those me’s are really just parts of the same whole.

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thank you :)

leibster-blog-award

I am hiding.

That was the opening line of one of the most recent blog posts I started. I was in a whimsical, carefree mood but I knew he truth of those three words went far beyond what I meant at the time.

The truth is, I have been hiding. Sure, there is the valid business of being the mom of three boys. Of having my husband gone more this last semester. Of having my commitments stack on top of one another in a way I hadn’t anticipated.

But then there is the more real reason.

I’ve been avoiding a truth. I have a block. A writing block.

I know what it is. My voice is a signature issue in my life. There are emotions involved. Old patterns. A voice other than my own that likes to sneak into my head and make me question all of who I think I am. And shake me.

But with the new year and a new laptop I have received just enough encouragement to help me make a go of it anyway. Push through. Keep trying.

And I’m starting by tying up loose ends from last year. I went through Harley (old faithful laptop) and transferred all of my unfinished blog posts to Charlie (new hopeful laptop….and she’s pink). And top of the list is to address the thank you I was avoiding at the end of last year.

I don’t know why I find it so hard to receive a compliment. Maybe it’s because I am usually the compliment giver. So much so that in high school and college I coached most of my friends on how to graciously receive a compliment.

I suppose I got tired of that interesting moment when someone receives a compliment and doesn’t know how to respond. The awkward silence. The down-play. The self-deprecating come back.

So when I sense the other person is flattered, grateful, and awkwardly at a loss of what to say or do in return, I come back with my usual in an attempt to put the other person back at ease.

It’s okay…just smile and say thank you.”

Apparently I should have been listening to myself.

But today, in honor of facing that which I have been avoiding, I say thank you to hiddinsight.

The writer of this blog nominated me for a Leibster award. I have not entirely figured out these blogging awards, but they seem to be given by other bloggers to honor one another and connect us to each other.

I cannot tell you hiddinsight‘s name. All I know is that she is an incredibly honest soul who writes about the process of her marriage recovering from an affair she had. She is brave and beautiful. I highly encourage you to check out her blog. I am honored to be honored by her.

Thank you, hiddinsight. 🙂

Tune in again tomorrow to read my answers to hiddinsight’s 11 questions to her award nominees.