As I sat around the table, the people around me held out pieces of me. Pieces I had not seen in a while. And it felt so good.

Those pieces are always with me, living inside of me. Sometimes I just forget about them. I live disconnected from them.

My life has moved on from when we were together, these friends and I. Marriage, babies, therapy, life. And it’s good. Moving forward, growth, change. All of those things are good.

And at the same time, sometimes I can forget that the college student me is still in there too. Along with the mom me and the wife me and the almost 40 year old me (ugh, really?).

But I am fortunate enough to still have friends from way back when. We were all on staff at camp together. And camp bonds people in a mysterious way. I have yet to experience it elsewhere. It could be the dirt, the camp food, or any number of the only-appropriate-at-camp conversations surrounding bodily functions.

I think it is all those things plus a whole lot more.

There is a sacredness about it, about the fact that we hold pieces of one another’s history. These people know a side of me that my friends today have only caught glimpses of, if that.

For a while, a few years ago, I felt in between. My friends where I live didn’t know my history but my friends from my past didn’t know the richness of my present. And I had this weird, awkward urge to prove myself to all of them.

But something must have settled in me. Made peace with the fact that the only one who knows me my whole life is me. I am the only one who holds all the pieces.

And occasionally that can feel like too much to hold. Sometimes I forget about the pieces that aren’t necessary right now. But they are still in there. They are who I was which is a part of who I am.

And it was whole-making, to have these people who are dear to me stir some of those piece to the foreground. To the surface.

They had not forgotten those pieces. They loved them. They kept them safe. They saw beauty in them. They remembered them. And being together reminded me of them too.

And it was…..settling, calming, restoring…..for me to be reminded that all of those me’s are really just parts of the same whole.

16 thoughts on “pieces

  1. rebecca2000 says:

    Beautifully said. I am happy they have held onto those pieces.


    • Rebecca Koo says:

      Thank you my friend. I do feel so fortunate. And have I ever told you how much I love that you go by Becca? That was what I went by growing up, but it changed to Rebecca when I moved to So Cal. But the people from this post still call me Becca! 🙂

      • rebecca2000 says:

        Thanks. I actually tend to go by Rebecca but typing on the internet it is quicker to type Becca. LOL I am sure, like me, you have been called all the nick names that come with the name. So I think it is cool you go by Rebecca 😉

      • Rebecca Koo says:

        Thank you. And yes, my personal favorite (by that I mean the one that makes my skin crawl) is when people make the chicken sound….Bec-bec-beccAAAA! Enjoy!

      • rebecca2000 says:

        Oh, no one ever called me that. I have been called Bec, Becca, B, Rebec, Rebock, Reba, Reb, Becky, Abookaa, etc

      • Rebecca Koo says:

        Much better than my high school friends creation! But my favorite is the current nickname of Reebs…

  2. got all teared up reading this-because I also love all those pieces of you that I do know, and I can relate to having a variety of people in my life know some of the pieces of me and struggling with the urge to prove myself for lack of a better way to say it…and the picture of Zachary holding pieces also seems like such a true analogy as my children hold pieces that can be most dear and tender. Love you!!

  3. free penny press says:

    what a beautiful post.. I really enjoyed this 🙂

  4. Max Abbacowe says:

    I particularly like the paragraph about feeling an urge to prove yourself to past and present friends. I too sometimes feel a sense of “if you just understood my past you’d get me more; if you just had a sense of my present you’d get me more.”

  5. Kelly Devine says:

    Beautifully said. I love reading your blog even if I don’t comment very often.

  6. This is my favorite sentiment you’ve every written about. 🙂

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