beauty in the attempt

I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to write what I want to write. I am tired and empty and spent from all of the relational and emotional work I have been doing and I want so badly to pour out what is inside of me onto this screen, but it’s not working today.

I think I have something important to say. A reminder that we all struggle, a declaration to the world, but more importantly to me, that none of us is as alone as we think.

But the words are not coming out right. My passion and vision and desperation are all tripping over each other and I think, “I can’t do it.”  “Why am I trying?” “What difference can one person make?”

But then I collide head first into my conviction.

And my conviction tells me if I want the world to be a more authentic place, then I need to be authentic. If I want the world to be an understanding place, then I need to offer myself understanding. If I want the world to be safe – to value process over performance or perfection – then I must first become safe for myself and give myself freedom to be in process and not perform for others (or myself), requiring perfection at every turn.

“So try,” I tell myself.

Because I am a writer. Writing has become more than a hobby or something I do on the side. Writing is a part of my life. Writing does not define who I am but I cannot be me without it. No matter if anyone reads it or not, I am a writer.  (http://youareawriter.com)

And the kind of writing I offer the world is honest and it comes out of the very things I am struggling with right now. I could write all about how I think everyone else should be better human beings, how the world needs to change and be a better place than it is.

But I don’t.

I write about my own honest and arduous transformational journey in letting love in. Which I believe changes a person from the inside out. However, I also believe allowing myself to receive love that I don’t think I deserve or have somehow earned is much, MUCH harder than it sounds.

So today’s struggle is letting myself be a writer even when I am not perfect at writing. When the words do not flow the way I want them to. When I walk away with still so much trapped inside of me that I wanted to get out.

But I tried. And sometimes that’s all I’ve got.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “beauty in the attempt

  1. Simon Marsh says:

    “When the words do not flow the way I want them to. When I walk away with still so much trapped inside of me that I wanted to get out” … I wonder if this isn’t, precisely, the call to come back to the desk and to more creativity and contemplation again and again and again? Perhaps we’d stop feeling we’re alive if all that we felt needed to be said had already been said?

    There’s a parable in the spectacular beauty and depth of the photo you’ve been moved to post with this piece. It’s a parable about you. About the depth and glory in the centre of you. The photo is like an icon. And the icon invites you to spend some time gazing tenderly at it -worshipfully – “giving worth to …” and reverently.

    Someone is reading. But the best writer and the best reader of this gloriously made subject is first of all Rebecca – is you – the you that (joy of joys) IS being “changed from the inside out” – whilst at the very same time being source and recipient of love and joy, for and from your family, friends and more admirers than modesty might allow you to count ;). Some glad day I hope you’ll ask me to write a Foreword for your novel … x

    • Rebecca Koo says:

      Simon, you are such a treasure to me. Thank you so very much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I so appreciate your support and love! I am honored to have you hear and to have you listen so well to me. Thank you.

    • Loved this post AND your reply AND the fact you’ve offered to write the forward for her next novel! I look forward to that very day!

  2. free penny press says:

    Sometimes you have to write …nothing… just be..it’s really ok 🙂

  3. persuaded2go says:

    Yes!!! You are a writer!!! Encouraging thoughts and honesty appreciated 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s