scraps

What will come of this? I was petrified to pull out the scraps. The process was overwhelmingly intimate. Delicate, fragile, and timid. One that I only let my therapist into.

I gingerly opened my soul and uncovered the part of me that had been kept in hiding. I feared that if anything more happened to the college student in me, she would disappear completely. So the scraps of what were left of her had subconsciously been put into the witness protection program.

But now it was time. My body was telling me. The nightmares, the panic attacks, the sleeplessness, the anxiety. And lest we forget the depression.

They were all her, whispering to me from my past. She had finally deemed me safe enough to be trusted. She took me on a scavenger hunt of sorts, giving me clues to find where she had been locked away for safe keeping.

Once I found the place where she had been kept, I faced a choice. Do I risk taking out those frail little scraps that were left of her? What if she blows away in the process? What if she disintegrates altogether? I don’t want to lose her. She is a part of me. She is me.

She required every ounce of courage, strength, and gentleness I have ever possessed to bring those scraps back up to the surface of who I am and get her what she needed. Listening. Understanding. Validation.

Not judging her and telling her she could have done more, should have handled things differently, as I so frequently say to myself. Accepting her for the tender, sensitive nineteen year old that she was, confused with very little of life figured out.

Affirming her for being so beautifully valiant in the face of her trauma.

We worked together for quite some time. She would speak and I would listen and love her just the way she was. The whole thing was very mysterious, really. How is it that a soul heals? What magic is there in paying attention, giving space, offering patience, compassion, mercy, love?

I just know that there is.

And I think one of the hardest people to give those things to is myself.

But there are times when I am the only person who can make a difference in my healing. I can receive all the beautiful things I long for from hundreds of people around me, but if I am not willing to both give them to myself and receive them from myself, I remain lost in my own brokenness.

This was one of those times. I had to learn to love myself, both past and present. My healing depended on it.

What brokenness do you have inside that needs love from your own self to heal?

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6 thoughts on “scraps

  1. Simon Marsh says:

    “She would speak and I would listen and love her just the way she was. The whole thing was very mysterious, really. How is it that a soul heals? What magic is there in paying attention, giving space, offering patience, compassion, mercy, love?”

    … another lovely, giving, Real, reflective post, Rebecca. Listening and loving and paying attention is, for me, part and parcel of life-giving prayer and contemplation / meditation. One of the immeasurable gifts a therapist (or sometimes just an “ordinary” friend, or God herself / himself) gives us is a silent space – in which we can hear the quiet whisperings of our deepest selves. You know, I believe that “our deepest selves” are already intimately held and cradled by God … so “mysterious” is an absolute fit! – and “healing” a beautiful consequence.

    Joy and peace to and for you, in the midst of the mystery. May this sharing deepen the measure of the healing in you. 🙂 x

    • Rebecca Koo says:

      Simon – truly, you are a deep listener. What a gift to all those you give it to. Thank you so very much. I love your replies. They keep me going!

  2. Christine says:

    It is with my own such journey that I choose happiness, love and compassion.

  3. theharbormom says:

    My college student loved your college student. This is my favorite post so far – I relate. Thank you.

    • Rebecca Koo says:

      Yay! What fun to hear this is your fav! Thank you. Your college student is a big part of what kept my college student from disappearing altogether. Endless thanks and abundant love to you, my dear dear friend.

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