whispers and a break

My heart is twisted and wrung completely out as I watch my son struggle. Four out of the five times I have been to the hospital with a child have been for him. IVs, staph infections, broken arms, and ear surgeries are petrifying for children.

I have seen more bravery from this child than I have living in my entire adult body. Because of course, I don’t define bravery as the absence of fear but the overcoming of it.

And with all of those trips to the hospital, I could offer my son comfort with my very presence. Hugs and kisses from mom softened the pain and made things more bearable. Just being there with him. Never leaving his side. Whispering encouraging words in his ears. Telling him I love him.

But in this moment, I must simply sit and watch. And make no mistake, it is excruciating.

Karate testing day always throws him. Most people don’t notice. He hides it like a master illusionist. But I, his mother, know exactly what his face looks like as he holds his tears at bay. And every time, I squirm inside.

But this is the absolute worst it has ever been. He is required to break a youth board, as he should be. We all know he is plenty strong enough to do it. If he came at the board the same way he tears through the practice target, there would be nothing but splinters left.

But he hesitates every time that board shows up. Of course he does. He is tender. He is kind. He is a lover.

So I watch him struggle. And fighting the instinct to swoop in and save or help or whisk him away from difficulty is one of the most difficult things for me to do as a parent.

He is in the best of hands, though. After more tries than it should take of kicks and elbow strikes, as we see him breaking down and wiping away tears he wishes were not coming down his cheeks in front of all of these people, his instructor pulls him close and tenderly whispers to him. He hands him the board and sends him back to his spot on the mat.

My son covers his face, pushing his nose into his elbow in a way that I know he wants to disappear from this moment. One of the other instructors goes to him, sits next to him and gently whispers in his ear.

A few minutes later, as class is excused and the children get up to have their boards signed (karate tradition), there are more whispers to him from a third instructor who walked around for days, perhaps even weeks with an unbroken board. He knows better than anyone in the room what my son is experiencing right now.

I have no idea what all these whispers are. But I am eternally grateful for them. Because I sit frozen on my chair. All that is in me wants to go and hug my son.

Instead, my hand grips the thigh of my friend next to me. She whispers me through this, reminding me of what I already know. That this will require something from my son that he has to find inside himself.

He waits patiently next to his instructor until the last board is signed. And then he says, “I want to try again.”

He throws a few elbow strikes as we all hold our breath. The tears begin to well up again when his instructor suggests a spinning back kick. On the first try, the CRACK of the board rings out followed by an eruption of cheers and applause.

I couldn’t be more proud. Not because my son broke a piece of wood. But because he refused to let that piece of wood break him.

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17 thoughts on “whispers and a break

  1. This made me tear up. Such triumph all around!

  2. Kara says:

    Beautiful Rebecca. I’m all teary over here now;)

  3. Love this, friend! Today I want to be the whisperer and the listener.

  4. Bailey says:

    These are the moments that take our breath away and remind us why we are moms.

  5. Wow!! I just have tears streaming down my face-SOOO proud of him and SOOO feel his spirit. A couple weeks ago Andy pronounced that he didn’t want to play football anymore. Too competitive. He wanted to be able to play for fun. He definitely shares his cousin’s spirit of being a lover, kind and tender. I pray that when faced with opportunities to overcome fear, he too would claim, “I want to try again!” Go, Colby!!
    And as your son finds something inside himself, I applaud your own win in finding the strength to restrain yourself to allow him to do so. I think that can be our own board that we find ourselves broken by-good example, mom!

    • itsakoolife says:

      Oh thank you, Karen! Wow! I can’t believe that Andy doesn’t want to play football! That is a big deal! And yes, he is a lover isn’t he? Love love love love that kid. Love you too!

  6. Karen, thank you for sharing your sister’s writing. I am a fan too. This is my favorite one. . ….fighting back the tears. I know all mothers understand this feeling.

    • itsakoolife says:

      Thank you so much, Carol! Glad to have you here and grateful you have enjoyed what you have found here! Thank you for the encouraging words!

    • Karen Koch says:

      It’s my pleasure!! (not being the mom in this instance, but sharing, for SURE…and really, being the mom who has exercised restraint to allow my child to be the one to ‘sink or swim’ is my pleasure, too-it’s when I fail to allow that opportunity that it’s even tougher than exercising restraint-SO glad you read and appreciated!!)

  7. What a great story of overcoming. Thank God for the instructors who were sensitive enough to encourage him too and give him a chance to try again. That’s a moment he’ll never forget the rest of his life. 🙂

  8. […] is this song by Jason Mraz, who was already a favorite at Chez Koo, and it came on right after the board break that took all of who my son was. Of course. The song is called, “I won’t give […]

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