potato chips and chocolate

The crinkle of the bag brings me hope and dread all at once. My pain draws me to the cupboard without my awareness. I have been carrying around this powerlessness and it is heavy and painful and I want an escape from it. But there is none. That doesn’t stop me from looking, though.

As the salt touches my tongue, it seems to be a numbing agent on my heart. For the moments that my mouth is full, the overpowering taste blocks out my emotions.

Eventually, I finish the bag or the bag finishes me leaving my mouth raw. I sit for a minute, trying to force the satisfaction to stay. But eventually it runs away like it always does and my mind dances with the sweet that would sooth the savory I just consumed.

Another crinkling bag delights my ears. I pull out the handful of dark chocolate chips and let them sit for a while to be warmed by my hand. Then in my mouth they go as the cocoa, rich and smooth begins to soften and ooze together forming a luscious mound of heaven that melts down my throat.

Eventually I realize the break from my pain was only temporary, and the let down sets in. I want this to help but it doesn’t. I try night after night, but the pain remains. I cannot control others. I cannot change what they think of me. I cannot force someone to listen.

All I can do is let go and mourn what is lost. And sometimes that is more of a process than I would like it to be, even with my potato chips and chocolate.

19 thoughts on “potato chips and chocolate

  1. Tami Rose says:

    Were you watching me yesterday??

  2. I am so with you on this one. I look to food, when I know that I should look to God.

    • itsakoolife says:

      I so hear you here, Kelly. I often “should” all over myself when I am down only to find I’ve pushed myself even lower. I remind myself as I say to you…..we are deeply and desperately loved by God whether we are eating potato chips or not. 🙂

  3. miq says:

    I feel every woman (I’m not a man, so maybe them too) feels this way from time to time. But you’ve definitely captured the moment, even if it is a moment I’d rather forget or never have, for that matter 🙂

  4. itsakoolife says:

    Nice. Thanks, Miq. And I am totally with you on that last part! 🙂

  5. As an admitted emotional eater, I connect to this so much. I think all of us search for ways to numb ourselves, if even for a moment, against our hurt. Sometimes it’s just a means of survival. You’ve captured it beautifully, as always. But I’ll also say, don’t beat yourself up over the potato chips and chocolate chips and whatever else helps chip away at the pain (that was lame, but you know what I mean). It’s all a process, and never an easy one. Enjoy them for the delicious things they are and then write or walk or play with your beautiful family. Find things that feel good and appreciate their goodness. It makes it easier to breathe.

    Thinking of you and sending lots of love xoxoxo

    • itsakoolife says:

      Thank you my dear friend, for the compliment on the writing and for the encouragement. Truthfully, I am not too hard on myself about the eating….used to be but less so now. I am so with you in embracing the process, even if it doesn’t look perfectly nutritious! 🙂 That being said, I can also use all the reminders I can get to let go of my perfectionism and embrace the beauty in life, so I thank you deeply from my heart for all of your love and wisdom.

  6. Also, that’s all easier said than done, of course. 😉

  7. Diane says:

    I eat for all kinds of reasons. Therefore, I’m rarely hungry, so I don’t have to eat for that reason.

  8. Kimberly says:

    So what am I eating as I read this, a chocolate covered caramel that has salt on top. I am not going to feel guilty, God has given me a taste of heaven here. And yet tomorrow I will work out. Love you my friend!

  9. hmm…watched http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com tonight. It was interesting that they addressed the physical needs that had been going unmet even though it acknowledged the emotional origin, but no mention of that was made…except the suggestion that the physical answer helped…not sure one is any more productive than the other at addressing the process…escpecially the emotional aspect! nore am I sure it’s about ‘productively’ addressing it
    Love your transparency…and that of so many. It’s always helpful when we can fight the lie that we are the “only one”

    • itsakoolife says:

      Mmmm, love those thoughts about “productively addressing”. I don’t have those answers either, but I appreciate the question. Thank you for the link as well. I will have to watch it on the desktop as poor old Harley (laptop) does not do videos well (or sometimes at all). Thank you for offering your thoughts and process. And yes, it is so good NOT to be alone. Love you!

  10. iliketoads says:

    I think so many people can relate to this, and it is very beautifully articulated. I used to numb my pain with food, then I turned the other way and starved myself and exercised my body into submission. Then I turned to alcohol. Everyone is addicted to something, I think. It is a struggle we all must deal with, and I am trying hard to overcome my addictions. I have been called “orthorexic” too; I guess even being “too” healthy is bad, huh? I try not to obsess over things, but I guess that is one of my faults.

  11. itsakoolife says:

    Thank you so much for your comment here. I appreciate your thoughts and vulnerability. I find that those friends I have who are aware of the addictions they fight are often some of the wisest people I know. Again, thank you so much for sharing yourself here. Grateful to have you.

  12. […] me silly, but everyone has read my potato chips and chocolate post right? I have no need for […]

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