If yesterday was “trying to breathe” then today is definitely “hyperventilating”.

Yeah. That’s is my husband’s new car in the picture. The one that I was driving to the conference. I hit a pole as I pulled out to come home. Mostly drive-able but somewhat banged up.

I am the car.

My one-on-one appointments didn’t go as well as I had dreamed them in my mind. I knew that was likely to happen, but it didn’t make the dream less desirable, thus less painful to part with.

I fought back tears now and then in the following few hours. There was more learning to do so the emotions would have to wait. I am not sure my emotions are used to waiting.

But by the end of the night I thought I had moved passed it. The agent I pitched to during the social time who asked me to send all of what I had (when the revisions I told her about are done) helped a bit for sure.

Then I hit the pole. A four-letter word may or may not have passed my lips. As I drove home I battled myself just like I did in the era my book is about. Because of the plot seminar I took today I can now articulate the “faulty belief” I held in those days. Love is earned.

And ever since my one-on-one’s that didn’t go how I dreamed, I struggled with a feeling that I had not earned the right to be loved by my husband (who sacrificed time, money, and a weekend as a single parent for me to be there).

I know this isn’t true. In my head, anyway. It was just hard to convince the rest of me. Especially after that pole.

Love is a gift…….a gift of grace.

My husband does not love me because I make his life easier or better or more comfortable. He doesn’t love me because I am such a wonderful wife and avoid poles when I drive the car.

I was just so frustrated that I was dealing with this old issue. No matter how my husband might respond (because let’s give him some grace and remember he is a human husband and doesn’t love to spend a long hard day with the kids just to have his wife come home with a banged up car) I want my reaction to be one of a person who knows that love is not earned.

But like the car, even though there were some hits today, all is not lost. I certainly have made some wonderful friends and connections at this conference. My understanding of the book I am writing and the audience I am writing it for is clarified. I have WAY more tools to practice to become a better writer. And after moving through some emotions and lots of Kleenex, I remember that love is a gift of grace, impossible to earn.

7 thoughts on “hyperventilatng

  1. Wow! It’s times like these that printed words seem insufficient because I want you to tangibly feel the love and encouragment that can come from a HUG. However, as you have said, you are blessed with a husband who loves you and will give that to you. I remember the song you sang to him at your wedding…do you ever sing it as you do chores around the house? Today might be a good day to remember that. And as I turned to scripture this morning, I was led to Hebrews 11: 6 And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.
    You surely are acting on faith and have so sincerely sought him. James 5:11 We give great honor to those who endure under suffering. For instance, you know about Job, a man of great endurance. You can see how the Lord was kind to him at the end, for the Lord is full of tenderness and mercy.
    It may not be today, but I pray you feel the kindness, tenderness & mercy! ❤ LOVE YOU-unconditionally, to the best of my ability to allow him to show it!

  2. Rebes, I so feel your pain. What a rocky road getting started in this industry is. I feel like I’m right there with you. So easy (too easy) for all of us to hang our hats on how successful or well-received we’re feeling in the moment. May this just be a part of the story . . . no more and no less. We’re all with you, believing in you!!!

    • itsakoolife says:

      Thanks, Leedles. Was thinking of you, knowing you understand even more than I do the ups and the downs this weekend and on the road ahead. Was remembering your words about SOMA – a fire-hose to a teacup. Good and painful all at once.

  3. Julie Nusz says:

    Dear friend. I would give you a Rebecca-Koo-hug if I could. Because I always feel better after one of your hugs! Hang in there. Writing is intensely personal, and any criticism can cut deep, but know that you are incredibly talented and God will use your gift of words to touch other, as He already is.

    Because the words you wrote in this blog about how you are loved unconditionally by Phil reminded me that I am loved unconditionally, during a week where I felt that I was also dealing with old issues and that I was, for some reason, completely unloveable. Thank you for sharing your experience so that I could rest in the grace of unearned love as well. I am thankful.

    • itsakoolife says:

      Thanks, Julie. Yours are perhaps the most encouraging words out of the wonderful outpouring I came back to today. So grateful something I said made a difference for you and you were able to rest in unearned love at the end of a difficult week. Why is that so hard sometimes?

  4. […] just asked me about my kids and my kids connect me to my heart and what with the run in with the pole last night and my dreams of getting a book contract smashed to smithereens my heart is a bit tender […]

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